If you would have told me three months ago that this is what life would be like, I wouldn't have believed you. I'm a planner. I like to know my agenda. Maybe because it gives me some sense of control in an otherwise crap shoot, but regardless here I am.
Full transparency? I feel like I’ve ran a marathon yet I haven’t left my house in weeks.
Life as I know it seems to be dangling above my head as a big fat TBD. My calendar? Empty, yet my plate has never been more full.
Lately my mind has been a foggy place of lists and worry. Doubt and uncertainty. My nerves, a bundle of stress and anxiety. Some days it's all I can do to stay afloat; to keep my head above water and my sanity somewhat in check.
In an alternate universe, Pinterest moms everywhere are having a field day with their perfectly color coordinated school sessions and craft projects - while my toddler screams, "Mommy, CHANGE MY BUTT" during a conference call.
My social media feed is filled with people using this time to get fit, eat better, organize their homes and closets. Crossing off line items on their to-do lists like it’s their job – and then theirs me.
Yesterday's diet consisted of two rows of brownies and I'm contemplating making another batch. Don’t judge. I did manage to get some time to organize the pantry, but the rest of my life still remains in question.
My point? My mind is a rat race right now. My emotions are all over the place. I can’t tell you if I’m coming or going. Maybe you are one of those people out there crushing the day or maybe you are just barely hanging on - either way, it’s ok. YOU are ok.
As I sit here in the dark quiet of the morning waiting for the sun to peek its head over the trees and into my horizon I can’t help but feel a sense of calm. No matter how dark yesterday was; no matter how much doubt and guilt tried to take over; no matter how cluttered and afraid my mind may feel on the inside ... outside - dawn still rises. It still comes. Day after day. And with it - a fresh start. A clean slate.
The world isn't standing still and neither are you, sis.
You don't have to get it all done today or even tomorrow for that matter. You don't have to cross every item off of your to-do list. You don't have to run at 110% every minute of the day.
Listen to me sis. Do what you have to to survive. Make that extra batch of brownies even though you made one just two days ago. Go for a run outside to blow off some steam. Binge watch Netflix and scarf down Doritos after the kids fall asleep. It's OK if it’s all too much. If the sound of your husband crunching on cereal makes you batty. Scream into a pillow. Lock yourself into a room - do what you have to, but remember dawn is still coming.
I know it feels as though we are at a stand still. I know it feels as if we may never get back to some sense of normalcy, but regardless of what is happening on the inside - remember. Outside life is still moving forward. It's still growing and changing. It's still breathing life and so are you.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace and then turn around and give yourself some more.
Today you’ve done enough.